First Not

Unfinished sentences splashed all across this blog post last night as I tried to express my thoughts on this first Christmas without my mom and my brother, John.

I vacillated between joy and the depths of despair.
I found comfort in the gift of a friend.
I had a melt down as family parted ways...
Then a text from my sister came and clarified everything. And it was simply this:
"We made it through today."
Yes, indeed, we made through today.

Praise be to God for the gift of His Son.

Litany of Love

My biggest fan. My greatest advocate. My best friend.
You, Mom.

You anchored me, especially these last several years.
I now feel adrift.

We told each other things no one else ever heard.
Big things and little things - the whatever-things that filled our hearts and heads. Things that brought neither judgement nor reproach, though frequently laughter and tears.

Together, we consoled one another in a way that allowed us to "carry on" as we faced the most sorrowful and challenging moments our lives.

You, who gave me life
You, who first showed me the love of our Lord
You, who taught me to be strong, compassionate, fearless, and the importance of stick-to-it-iveness

My heart aches. It is pierced. Again. Again. Again. Again.
But I hear you and I will heed what you are telling me: "Carry on."

With the strong echoes of your love reverberating all around me, I step forward.