Pressed

Since a very young age, I've pressed leaves and other plant material between the pages of books -- a craft I believe instilled in me by my paternal grandma.

Last night, as I continued my electronics abstinence, I found myself perusing a bookcase that held many a care-worn cover reaching back to my childhood; feeling nostalgic, I selected Jack and Jill by Louisa May Alcott. As I flipped through the chapters I came upon folded pieces of wax paper between pages 152 and 159. Inside were several faded but intact beech and maple leaves. I hadn't opened this book for a long, long time so the dried and waxed leaves had to be at least 35 years old. As I sat there cross-legged on the floor, marveling at the discovery, I tumbled back in time to the season and place the leaves were collected: an autumn afternoon at my aunt and uncle's home in Ross County on an Autumn afternoon. Alcott's book had traveled with me that day and I remember sitting on a swing hung between the two big oaks, engrossed in her story. As I looked at the leaves, delightful recollections flooded my mind of hikes through the woods, sled rides down the hill and onto the pond, and family gatherings round the kitchen table with my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was indeed a special childhood.

So many of my treasured memories are like those pressed leaves: stored away in a safe, accessible place just waiting to be taken out and enjoyed. I've found that whether from long ago or more recent times, those memories also remain intact yet gilded with emotions that make them more beloved than ever.

Obsession

Sleep is my obsession -- falling into it, staying in it, waking rested from it. I think I'm on the path of achieving "falling into it," but the other two remain foreign to me. One step at a time, I suppose.

It's a glorious morning despite my interrupted sleep: cool air, sunny skies, and Sedona chasing squirrels from the backyard! I've never seen a dog take such offense at the temerity of the
Sciurus carolinensis that deign to cross the wires over "her" yard.

Pic o' the morn

My girl protecting our yard from
invading bushy-tailed rodents!

The Power of Electronics

Chemo really put a whammy on my sleep patterns and a body can't heal properly if it's not resting properly. While acknowledging chemo as a sleep thief, I believe there's another culprit in this insomnia caper: the 24-7 world of electronics. So last night, as in Monday, I came home from work and did not turn on or use any electronic devices. The end result? I was able to quiet my busy brain a little sooner than normal. I still wrestled some with Mr. Sandman, albeit for a shorter round. To vigorously test this theory, I'll need to adjust my blog-posting patterns. Tonight is a lost cause on that front. More hours of quality sleep, however, should equate to earlier morning wake ups and, hopefully, time to write before heading into work. Supposedly, it takes 21 days to form a habit. Should be an interesting (and perhaps appropriate) challenge to take on as I head into my six weeks of radiation...

Enjoyed good fellowship this evening with my home church peeps. As I've recently written, I am experiencing some anxiety about the future. Having nights like tonight reenforces what Jesus has written in my heart: remaining on His path and placing my trust in His promised peace will meet all my needs -- one way or another.

Pic o' the Day

The glorious beauty of God's creation!
A Hilliard, OH sunset from late last summer.

Mulling of Things

The final chemo didn't, of course, mean walking away from the infusions with nary a side effect. This week, like each one since May 18, will present some challenges -- ones that aren't fun. Yet, of course, again, the very good, very positive upside is that after spending two weeks of getting to feeling better, I won't have to feel like crap again!

Several people have asked what I'm doing to celebrate the end of chemo. I keep mulling over that prospect, keep trying to reconcile a celebration with the forced change that cancer has brought into my life. Perhaps my mind is muddled because I'm only a few days out from that last treatment, perhaps it's the dreaded self pity. In any case, today, being alive and around people (and my pup) that I love, is celebration enough.

Oh, and Saturday's purchase of an iPad and associated accessories should not be construed as celebrating... ;)

Pic o' the Day 

Getting to be part of a youngin's swim try out: priceless!

That's a Wrap

- 30 -

Let the Infusion Begin!

The one-handed typing bandit is at the keyboard and the final infusion is underway! All is going swimmingly, from no troubles with my veins (ergo easy catheter installation) to getting my favorite nurse, Keri, to oversee this last chemo poisoning.

Kickin' It!!

Got all "As" from Julia, Dr. Lustberg's
assistant.

I've received rave reviews for today's ensemble, starting with my skull-and-barbed wire do-rag, followed by an ancient Bruce Springsteen tee shirt, and finished off with jeans and cowboy boots -- came dressed for the occasion!

Office views I will not miss recording for posterity
!

Getting Down to It

The countdown is done.

Tomorrow is it.

Kickin' chemo out the door.

And, not to tempt fate to tip the other way, but feeling pretty good that everything will go just fine like the last seven treatments.

My brain is a bit of a whirl trying to keep this in perspective. Don't get me wrong, I know my last chemo is huge, but there's more to come in this marathon. I can't afford to take anything for granted. By the same token, neither can I afford to be anxious. Just need to keep telling myself, "one day at a time!" :)

Like a blog, my journey with the CBitch is a work in progress...

Pic o' the Day

Sedona is an excellent listener!

About this Time One Year Ago ...

... I had the opportunity to go camping in a place as familiar to me as my own heart - a chunk of land in Ross County where I spent many weekends both as a child and young adult. It's a place that sadly is no longer in the family, but the fates aligned on that one year-ago day and a call to the "new" owners (who live in Columbus) granted me entry.

I hiked the familiar woodlands with my dog -- who had never known that treasured land's wonders -- floated in the soft waters of the pond, built a campfire, and watched the stars pop through the sky's night curtain as the sun sank below the hill. My sojourn to this place of solitude gave me an inner peace I hadn't experienced for a couple of years. When I got home the next day I was dog tired, had a tired dog, but was renewed in spirit.

Maybe about this time one year from now, I'll ask the landowners if a lone camper and her dog might once again escape to nature's magic kingdom. Where I can hike the hills with my girl, float on soft pond water, and simply get lost in the flames of a campfire.

Collage o' the Day

Two Days Down, Two to Go

Sensing a theme here? Yep, can't say it's as exciting as my childhood countdowns to Christmas, but there's still a sweet gift awaiting me at the end of this ticking-off of days. God willing, everything will go smoothly on Friday and I'll get to say "farewell" to the toxic treat that chemotherapy has been introducing to my body. I'm seriously thinking of wearing the skull and barbed-wire patterned do-rag cousin Keel gave me -- what do the rest of you think?!

Dona and I made it to the park this evening, which was a busy place. Youth football has replaced Little League and the fields were covered with pee-wee wannabe Heisman Trophy and Johnny Unitas Golden Arm award winners. Dog owners were also out in force with their four-legged companions. Sedona and her brethren were visibly thrilled by the cool temps and multitude of readily available back ends to sniff!

Pic o' the Day

That's one well-walked, contented pup! :)

One Day Down, Three to Go

Friday is it, the last chemo. I might be more anxious about this upcoming final treatment than the very first one I faced on May 18. It's having the end in sight that has me irrationally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yet, even as I type that statement, I am reminded of a verse my sweet friend Cindy shared with me: "Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my right hand of justice." Isaiah 41:10
I also find strength in the St. Francis DeSales quote I posted in my Sunday, Aug. 12 blog post that speaks about being at peace.

So, there, anxiety, put all that in your pipe and smoke it!

Got a late start for the park this evening. So, instead of a walk, Sedona and I put a little asphalt under the tires and went far enough out that we could really hear the singing insects and smell the damp of the farm fields and wood lots. The moon was a beautiful crescent that hung low, occasionally getting caught in the branches of the trees. It was lovely. It was lyrical. It was one of those evenings I could have driven until dawn -- wonder where I might have ended up if I'd followed that notion?!

Pic o' the Night: This image is from friend and former DNR colleague Jim McCormac's blog, ohio birds and biodiversity, which you'll want to check out if you're interested in the nature of Ohio's outdoor world.

This little insect is called a slightly musical conehead; isn't that a hoot?!

Aren't Sunday's Grand?

A picture is worth a thousand words, no?!

Goldie & Baldie enjoying a moment at the end of a good day.

For Cousin Keel

Feelin' a bit like a Bad Ass. And, thanks to my cuz, I've got the do-rag to pull off the look!

Come on CBitch, I got somethin' special just for you!

Skulls and barbed wire do make a statement.

eHappiness

Taking trips is a good thing, right? With that philosophy in mind then I've done two very good things this evening! First, I booked a flight that put the icing on a much anticipated, well-planned trip for early next year. Second, I made an impulse purchase that has me winging my way to Fort Myers Beach in November to visit my parents.

I can't buy my way out of the hand dealt me by the CBitch, but I can buy my way into good things that make me and others happy!

Pic o' the Day

Mi padre y mi madre.
Two good reasons for impulse ticket purchases!

Eccentric / ikˈsentrik

I'm usually an easy-going, compliant person when it comes to providing requested information to those in the service industry. It simply makes life easier for everyone to be that way. I am, however, finding myself taking pleasure these last few months in occasionally saying "no."

Take today, for example. I get to my surgeon's office for a five-month follow up and I'm asked to fill out the exact same paperwork I filled out on two previous visits. To that request I said "yes." Upon returning the now triplicated paperwork, I had the following exchange with the perky young thing on the other side of the window:
"Now I want to get a picture of you!" she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Well, for our files so we know who you are." I swear she almost added "silly!"
"No," I said, "I don't think we need to do that today."
"But why, you look beautiful today, just the way you are," she said with a wheedling tone in her voice.
"Yes, I know, thanks." Then I sat down feeling very satisfied with myself.

As I've stated before on this blog, I'm quite comfortable with my baldness, but a contrariness rose up in  me over her simple request. Don't know if it's the way she said it or just how silly it is to have a mug shot of my bald head on file. Egads, I'm not a criminal. Plus, if they can't tell who I am by looking at my driver's license, well then they're the ones who need to undergo some treatment!

Pic o' the Day: A shot of the Governor's Residence, which I love to visit for its Heritage Garden -- take time to schedule a tour and see it for yourself.

A Note then Directly to Bed

Had an amazing night with my home church. Enjoyed some social time then a release from the trappings of the day through open prayer. Uplifting and rejuvenating. I'm grateful, too, that everyone is so accepting of me bringing along Sedona, aka: prayer dog!

Very random Pic o' the Day: Jonesy and I were in North Olmsted visiting his mom several years ago. RJ walked into a Cord Camera, saw a photo on the wall with a pup that looked just like Dona. He said as much to the store manager and - long story short - the dog, which belonged to the store manager, was Sedona's litter mate! This was taken when they were a young two-years-old.

Sedona's sitting up. I forget her litter mate's name.

What Rest Can Do!

Woke up rested and ready for the day ahead. In all things God gives me the strength. Just had to post this quick note. I'll write more tonight.

First Pic o' the Day was taken by my friend and former DNR colleague, Tim Daniel.

How I'm feeling: as if soaring on eagles wings!

Expounding

The CBitch is a multi-layered bitch. There's the kick in the head that cancer's been found in the body. Next is undergoing treatment, from surgery to chemo to radiation. The layer that gets tended to last is emotion because it's imperative to stay focused on taking care of the physical. Within the emotion layer are sub-layers, which include grief. This kind of grief, when I've taken time to acknowledge it, is new to me. I'm not afraid of it, but I'm going to have to build up a strong reservoir of energy before it can be laid out and properly dissected.

Felt pretty ouchy today and tonight. The interaction between Taxol and Neulasta (the white blood cell booster I shoot up with on Saturdays after chemo) makes my bones and muscles ache. Sincerely happy I only have one more of these crap-hanger treatments to go through. Yep, knowing there's one last round with this toxic treat is enough to get me through anything life has to throw my way.

This Pic o' the Day also helps!

Mad dog and Sedona

In the Moment

A day for letting the dog stick her head out the truck window for two hours straight.
A day for soaking up sweet sunshine.
A day for enjoying some time with family.
A day for worship and praise, and thanksgiving for timely quotes, such as this one:
"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." -- St. Francis DeSales

Pic o' the Day

Baby girl in front of Aunt Mary Ann's black-eyed Susan's

Three-Star Day

Enjoyed a lazy, pampered day today. Slept in, gave some lovin' to my pup, read the newspaper then made some marinara sauce with more tomatoes from Clark's garden. At 2 o'clock I stopped everything and got myself together for a relaxation massage at Kenneth's. What a treat!

Now kicking back in my favorite chair and sipping on a wee glass of port. Decided it'd be the last treat of the day for this pampered chemo princess.

As to how I'm feeling the day after treatment three of the Taxol Treat, well, obviously not too bad. My hands are swollen some and feeling a little tingly. I can also add another Taxol side effect to my list: discolored fingernails and toenails; the nail beds of both also feel bruised. For some women, the issue goes as far as the nails falling off -- hoping that doesn't happen to me.

The irony is that most of these side effects are not directly related to the Taxol, but the solvent used to liquify the cancer-killing drug so it can be injected intravenously. 

Whew, suddenly very sleepy. Think I'll turn in. Heading south tomorrow with brother John to our sister Mary Ann's -- we're going down to pick up my niece and have a quick visit with MA & RJ.

Good night.

Pic o' the Day. Posting this now because my oncologist, Dr. Lustberg, will be away on my last chemo. I'll see her again for a variety of follow ups, but she's a special person and I wanted to share.

Peanuts and Taxol

Here today at Chemo Central, snacking on a peanut granola bar as my Taxol Treat winds its way through my veins. No mega dose (or any) Benadryl with this cocktail, so no drug induced looniness or sleepiness!:) That said, I am tired. Up at 6:30 to leave the house by 7:30 for my first consultation with a radiation oncologist. Figuring I won't be done with the chemo until 4 o'clock:(

My escort today was friend Cynthia. Ride home is with friend Ellen, who also stopped by for a visit before school.

6:21 p.m. addendum: Had a nice surprise when Ellen came back to fetch me home: her sweet daughter Clare, who is in fifth grade this year, came along. And, of course, I wasn't thinking and missed the opportunity for a photo, darn:(  That said, we had a great visit and an enjoyable conversation about the Aztec civilization!

Got home around 4:30 -- very, very long day. Going to take my friend Bill B.'s advise and pamper myself this weekend. How? Hhmm, maybe by not doing any office work!

Pics o' the Day

Cynthia & me

Me & Ellen

View from my other corner office.

Yesterdays

I continue to find myself tripping down memory lane after my Sunday visit to the Rocky River Reservation (a.k.a.: the Valley/the Emerald Necklace). Going to the valley was part of nearly every trip Ron and I made north to see my mother-in-law, which was frequent. We enjoyed that beautiful park in every season. This recent trip was both a balm and pain to my heart.

Pic o' the Day: a collage featuring the park in three of the four seasons. Couldn't seem to locate one for summer, but believe me, we were there!

A Post Before Midnight

Another full day at work then home to wrap up a few things before journeying tomorrow to Findlay for a JobsOhio quarterly board meeting. I have tried to fit so much into my life these last few weeks. Some of it personal, some of it work. At times I struggled emotionally and physically. Getting everything done was not humanly possible. I turned it over to God. Not everything I wanted got accomplished, but everything He wanted was - that humbles me and has me giving glory in his name.
Eph 3:20-21

Pic o' the Day

Out for a short stroll today. Blue skies to get lost in.
This view looking up at my office building.

Pollyanna Definitely Doesn't Live Here

A few qualifying statements by the blog's author: What I write about tonight is not aimed at any one individual. This post is not necessarily rational. It is, however, about me getting to the end of my figurative rope -- of me being tired of not being me ...

And now, tonight's topic: Chemo Brain
Please, don't use those two words around me ever again. I understand the euphemistic implications of that handy phrase. To me, it's just one more way the CBitch tries to pigeon hole me.

Besides, the "symptoms" of this alleged condition started way before the first chemotherapy. To be precise, the erosion of my ability to focus, retain, generate, be productive, (be me), commenced on February 23 - the day I was diagnosed.

I will fight my way through this b.s. without labels. And, while I'm being bitchy, I want to say that long before the CBitch challenged me, I was a survivor.

If Sedona could talk, she might tell me to stop acting like her companion in this Pic o' the Day!

Too Tired for a Title

A quick post before crashing for an afternoon nap. Met Andrea and her walking pal, Tammy, around 8:30 at one of the cheering stations in North Olmsted. Saw them again in the Valley (part of the Emerald Necklace) where Sedona and I revisited a favorite haunt: the Rocky River Reservation. After that, back to the hotel then south to Columbus.
Pic/s o' the Day

Pushing and Finding My Limitations

[See below first set of pix for an update to this post ...]
I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that Thursday's late work night came with a price. Was productive Friday morning, but by the afternoon both physical coordination and cognitive skills were questionable. Once home, I quickly got comfy and settled in to chill out. That's when payment came due: began to feel feverish and queasy, which worried me. Drank more water, took Ibuprofen and did nothing physically taxing -- even ignored Sedona's occasional indications of wanting outside. Fortunately my temperature never got above 99.8, but it was enough to remind me I have to be more careful.

My greatest concern, besides my health, was that I'd have to cancel coming up to northeast Ohio to see my rock-star friend, Andrea, participate in this weekend's Komen 3-day Walk -- you all know what that's about since I've been promoting it the last several months. I'm happy to report that when I woke this morning my temp was back to normal. Took my time getting moving and things together for the trip; I was on the road by 2 o'clock. Sedona was so excited to be going on a road trip! Got to our pet-friendly hotel around 3:45 and, now just chilling out and waiting to hear from Andrea. It's a hot, humid day and I'm once again in awe of Andrea's commitment to the cancer cause. I can only hope to have the stamina and courage to do this walk next year. Only time will tell ...

I want to thank everyone who supported Andrea in her walk, whether through donation or prayer. It is an awesome wonderful thing to have such love and care for her, for me, for the cure.

Nice digs!

Sedona made herself right at home!

Pics o' the Day

9:30 p.m.
Picked up my walkin' wonder of a friend at the Westlake Recreation Center where a sea of pink tents were set up for the 650 walkers participating in this weekend's walk. We grabbed take out at Red Robin and enjoyed a nice couple of hours visiting back at the hotel. I can tell you this, I'm not only proud of Andrea for taking on such a challenging walk, but impressed at her willpower to turn down spending the night in an air conditioned hotel room! I'm an outdoors woman, but tonight, with the humidity and threat of thunderstorms, I'm real pleased to be sleeping indoors with A/C and my pup! :) Posting a collage of pix from Andrea's experience, plus one of us waiting for our Red Robin to-go order.

Late Night and Proud of It

Hello, blog fans, it's 9:50 p.m. -- do you know where you favorite chemo patient is? Still at work, that's where, with two of her colleagues! Feeling pretty good as we get close to a final draft of our quarterly report for next week's board meeting. And, don't worry, I've been keeping up on my Ibuprofen and water, which is definitely essential to my energy and feel-good levels:)

Pic o' the Night: around the work table at JobsOhio

Author This

A love note about Sedona!

My mind is a blank tonight, so I'm letting someone else do the writing for me. Almost every day my sweet neighbor Clark leaves me a hand written note. Topics include how the heat is impacting his garden, his adventures with skunk-trapping, what his college-age granddaughters are doing in far-flung global locations, and about relatives who were part of the age of Vaudeville.
These daily missives are like little prayers buoying me upward.